As some of you may know, I’ve been depressed for almost a year now. These past few months have been a rollercoaster of emotions, from intense anger for no apparent reason, through unexplainable happiness, to complete and utter indifference.
While most days are fine, sometimes I just cannot be bothered about anything. I’m supposed to be working, but since I can’t focus on anything, I decided to write these words instead. ‘Cannot be bothered’ is putting it mildly, to be honest. I feel as if there’s nothing else left to achieve. I did what I wanted to do in life, and while there are some things left on my to-do list, they don’t seem very important all of a sudden. It would be so much easier to just give up…
The funny thing about being depressed is that I have a lot of time to do a lot of thinking. Quite frankly, I’m quite surprised that I held up as well as I have, and while it would be so much easier to just forfeit everything, I started thinking about all the people who decide to lessen their pain — drugs, alcohol, more drugs, and whatever else is popular these days. There are times when I’m jealous of them choosing the easy way out, but most of all I feel sorry for them — whatever they’re going through must be an absolutely horrible experience.
The phrase ‘being depressed’ has been so watered down over the years, that even I thought it just means to be sad. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy, even though I wish it was. Many people consider what I’m going through as ‘first world problems’, which is bollocks. I realise that I have everything that I need — a loving family, friends, and more possessions than I need — but the problem is wanting to care. I just can’t make myself do that, most days.
Being depressed sucks.
Back to work, and my apologies for my writing — it’s not as engaging as it should be lately.